In this 2nd part, we see how the 5 principles for communicating with your teenager could be applied in a scenario. We already know that the 5 principles include: know your outcome; take action; use sensory acuity; exercise behavioural flexibility; and adopt a growth mindset.
APPLYING PRINCIPLES OF COMMUNICATING
Context: 13-year-old Darren is in his 1st week of high school. On arriving home, he rushes past his mum, Fiona McMahon, straight to his bedroom. Darren is visibly upset. Fiona knocks on his door. She gets no response, so she enters.
Fiona: “Sweetheart, what is the matter?”
Darren: sobs and shrugs his shoulders.
Fiona: “Tell mummy what’s wrong.”
Darren: “Leave me alone.” Continues sobbing.
Fiona: “Sweetheart, tell mummy. Mummy will fix it.”
Darren: “No one can fix it. Leave me alone. I’m never going back!”
Fiona: Observing (sensory acuity) that Darren is getting more upset, she decides to take a different approach (take action).
“Well, the Anzac biscuits are baked. I’ll start making hot chocolate for us both. Come out when you are ready.”
TIMEOUT …
She quietly closes the door and heads for the kitchen where she decides to apply the principles for communicating with your teenager and focus on discovering the reason for Darren’s distress (know your outcome) and not jump to offering solutions.
Darren: 10 minutes later, slides onto a kitchen chair.
Fiona: “Here you go, sweetheart.”
Places a mug of hot chocolate in front of Darren and joins him at the table with her own drink, placing a plate of biscuits between them. He’s sitting with his shoulders slumped, so she slumps her shoulders too, just slightly (exercise behavioural flexibility). They are now entering rapport with each other. She waits … actively listening.
Darren: Sips his drink and nibbles on a biscuit. So does Fiona (sensory acuity; behavioural flexibility). Rapport builds.
“He just stood here and said nothing! They laughed at me in the yard and called me a dummy, and he said nothing!”
Fiona: Sits back slightly but says nothing.
Darren: “I got my math’s teacher’s question wrong in class, and George and his mob surrounded me and Larry at recess and chanted, “dummy, dummy, dummy, …” Other kids were laughing too. Larry supposed to be my best friend. He knows that I’m good at math, but he said nothing!”
Fiona: Thinks, “mission accomplished! I know why he is so upset.” She adopts a growth mindset and sets her next outcome: restore Darren’s self-confidence and empower him consider his options.
“Finish up your drink and we’ll talk about George the bully and Larry and you.”
Darren: Nods and sits up straighter and drinks his chocolate.
OUTCOME
Well done, Fiona! Isn’t she a star? She let the principles of effective communication guide her moves. Sure, there’s no certainty about the next steps, yet her confidence will grow as she develops her communication skills. The future’s looking brighter in the McMahon household, is it not?
Empower your teenager. ENROL her/him now!
